Just published an answer on Quora

Photo by Georgia de Lotz on Unsplash

Before I step into the whole thing with my “expertise”

“The study, published in the Journal of Neurophysiology in 2010, shows that people in this situation are really suffering from a drug addiction, and the drug is the person rejecting us, leaving our love unreciprocated. But the results do not give us insight into why we respond to romantic rejection in this way, and it doesn’t answer the question of how we have developed this troubling tendency of wanting people we can’t have.” (From Psychology Today)

Now, let me)

There are two ways to go about this

1.

The thing with this “love” is that it might not even be love. It is just what you call it in your head because you don’t have a better word for it.

But I do.

Insecurities, fear, anger, lack of affection and so on.

This brings me to you and not the guy in question. You probably don’t love him at all. It is just your brain confusing him with someone else who you want to love you so bad, but he doesn’t.

And you probably think he must, but he doesn’t or can’t express himself well enough (talking about me and my dad)

When we “love” people who don’t love us back, we are just searching for affection that we lacked / lack.

If you look at it objectively the guy is probably an asshole, if you pinpoint all his actions, you’ll see he’s not worth your pain, only a few are.

We like unattainable things, unattainable people. It’s psychology 1o1.

We adore it, we want it, we crave it.

But when we get it — it’s not desirable anymore.

It’s an expensive doll you couldn’t get when you were a kid and that’s why you bought those expensive shoes with a red sole when you grew up. Because you lacked it, you lacked means to have it. But now that you bought yourself a pair of Louboutins you feel elated, right? Cloud nine?

For how long?

Everything becomes old and irrelevant someday. Shoes don’t bring you joy anymore. But “new” things do. So, you buy something else.

The same thing happens with some relationships. With people.

I am not really comparing people to shoes, but the psychology is the same. Unless you found a way to stop chasing novel things and rather stick to one imperfect human and love them exactly the way they are without doubt and regret. I admire that.

But there is a period in all of our lives when we want to feel alive, an adrenaline rush, we want new toys every day because the other ones get old.

So that’s what we do. We change people, we change relationships, we change occupations and we change cities like a pair of gloves.

Your problem though will resolve itself in due time. I’ve had that and I’ve had that more than once.

You think that person is perfect. He’s not. He’s far from it, especially when you take the time and objectively look at him. Or ask a friend to objectively look at him.

***

I was into this guy who was engaged a long time ago. We were in the same circle, but we didn’t meet up so often. To cut the story short some years later, he’s not engaged anymore, and he came to visit me. To cut that disaster short he asked me to marry him, have babies with him and the next day without asking me he came over with all his stuff. I had to let him go. It was painful since I’m very emotional and hate doing this to people, but he wasn’t in his right mind. Btw, I also found out that he had schizophrenia and that he was regularly taking pills.

***

2.

The other side of the story.

Lisa A. Phillips knows first-hand how love can make us do some crazy things. The summer she turned 30, she found herself in the throes of romantic obsession with a man who didn’t love her back.

Instead of turning around and moving on, she found herself sneaking into his apartment building where she wasn’t greeted with open arms, but by a man with a baseball bat who was ready to call 911.”

I hope you don’t go that far.

Btw, Lisa’s story of unrequited love and obsession was featured in the New York Times Modern Love column, and her book “Unrequited: Women and Romantic obsession”.

Things you must know if this is YOUR case:

1. There are others like you, you’re not alone. Seek help.

2. It’s not him — it’s you. There is something in you that keeps hanging onto him. Find it. Resolve it.

3. Do not look for signals that he might like you. Most probably he’s just being nice.

4. When you obsess over someone like that, it’s a slippery slope to a person you won’t recognize later. You must stop that stalker-ish behavior for your own good.

5. Sit your ass down and take it all in. Why are you doing this? What does it bring you? What do you want to get from it? Embrace your state of mind and heart and then try to pinpoint the road that lead you here.

6. Live your life for yourself. Start doing all the things you’ve always wanted to do but were too busy obsessing over unrequited love.

You can always get help if this doesn’t work.

Thank you for reading ♥

- Natalie

--

--

--

✨n.t.✨

Love podcasts or audiobooks? Learn on the go with our new app.

Recommended from Medium

5 Things We Should Normalize in a Relationship

Things I wish someone would have told me after my first heartbreak

Most women are attracted to men who possess a strong sense of humor as it indicates a higher…

Things we should pay attention to

A Teenager’s Regret

How Do My Partner and I Merge Our Finances, While Keeping Our Autonomy?

The great importance of gossiping

Trendy or the Norm?

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
NATALIIA TOTKA

NATALIIA TOTKA

✨n.t.✨

More from Medium

He Doesn’t REALLY Want the Perfect Woman

Hear what people are saying about the love, marriage and last name association

Untitled.

He Doesn’t REALLY Want the Perfect Woman