Everything that comes together falls apart
I’m not Dreiser, and it’s not An American Tragedy.
But there was something really tragical about it, in every sense of the word.
It felt staged though. Shakesperian.
Posted by: 4matic7 on 23 January 2015
It’s like I was playing a part. I was an actress in my own TV show that night. I felt a bit like almost 2 years ago. When the “cheating, lying bastard” cheated and lied to me multiple times. I cried. The last time I cried over the guy was that 2 years ago.
I couldn’t believe it myself.
D. pushed me away, nobody pushes me away, nobody breaks up with me anymore.
I break up, I bail, I bolt, I broke guys hearts. (There weren’t so many guys)
But I decided I wouldn’t be in the position of a person who hurts as hell. I was on top, I was insecure and self-conscious, but I knew that I won’t fall for any guy like that again. And I was supposed to bolt, but I thought that he (D.) was worth sticking around.
I wish it was “An American Tragedy”.
At least there’s a good, captivating, heart-breaking story in it. Which was actually based on a notorious criminal case. Which is too freaky for MY life. Too real a TRAGEDY!
Good, I’m not Dreiser. I wish I could write like him at least.
So, that night, it was Wednesday I think, in the hotel in Egypt, wasn’t a REAL tragedy for me.
Exaggeration is my forte.
But why DID i cry? Was it some sort of needed emotional eruption?
I cannot stop repeating to myself that he didn’t break my heart, cause I wasn’t in love with him, but why did i cry then?
I couldn’t bare the thought that he left me, that he didn’t care anymore (if he cared at all), that he didn’t feel for me anything anymore. That’s what hurt me. That without legitimate reason, he did that to me. I deserve a person who would be there, even if I start acting like a psycho or a bitch or whatever. To hell, everybody deserves someone who would be there no matter what. The person who reads this now, you, too, deserve a person who would love you unconditionally.
Me and D., we were just starting. We were on that “cute” stage, when everything seems perfect and great, and you just can’t stop smiling. And you feel so special. You feel like something actually worth your while came along. And then puff…it’s gone.
After all, I will get over him completely and I’ll understand that it was all for the best.
This is just my way to do things. I try to get what is wrong or what is with me that I do this to myself?
I don’t see how I got here. And how i got to feel like this.
Empty and emotionless at some point.
And at other times it seems to me like I pretend to feel things, pretend to be like that.
Who am I?
What has happened to me?
I don’t know you.
I don’t recognize that person in the mirror. Who is she?
What did she do to me?
Have you ever felt like that?
My whole being slowly vanished into the void, into these words, and in the life which is not mine anymore.
Who is she?
Sofi?
Where are you?
Where am I?
Why don’t I know this person anymore?
Maybe this is the road to nowhere. The road which leads you only to certain houses, gets you in, and out, and back all over again. Nothing new. Old paths. Old ways. Old houses. You go through the same experience all over again.
- Fortunately, you’ll understand someday that if you don’t stop doing the same thing all over again, you are gonna be on that road to nowhere till the end of your days.
- Sofi, you’re here. Good to hear you.
Sofi: Happy to be of service.You are still you, somewhere there. Get a grip, And turn it all the way you want to. You know you can.
ME: I’m glad you’re here. I’m listening to Lorde.
Sofi: I know.
ME: It’s just…I fee like…
Sofi: I know.
ME; I miss the way we were.
Sofi: You gotta watch that movie again.
ME: Yeah. On my to-do-list.
Sofi: First things first.
ME: The most important. I need to fix things.
Sofi; Time is the best in fixing and letting things go.
ME: You’re smart, did u know that?
Sofi: Come on. Cheesy, sweety.
ME: Good night, bestie,
Sofi: Good night, N.
This is how I am now. Have I changed much?
I guess I did. But I still can’t get myself. I’m so different. I’ve never felt as far away from who I used to be, as I feel now. I feel strange about it. Not good, not bad.
Can’t grasp the whole idea. What is changed, really?
I presume the WHOLE me. But i’ve been changing for some time now.
It’s no surprise I’m like this. Well, i don’t know what I actually expected MYSELF to be right about now. But i didn’t turn out very bad??
Noooooo.
I’m confused about all the feelings I have right now. But it’s normal, right?
I mean, I am 22.
I am allowed to be messed up and figuring things out for myself at this age.
I can do whatever I want.
Good.
All’s good.
Bleachers — I wanna get better — in the headphones.
Originally published at 4matic7.tumblr.com.
