DailyME 108: Now, what do you want to do with your life?
Like for real
I’ve been procrastinating because I’m scared I can’t edit my way into being a great writer but that is just a terrified brain talking. You see, I am afraid I won’t be able to do it professionaly, I won’t be able to be a real published author with actual money coming from it and supporting myself.
I am afraid I will have to hold on to my daily job forever.
And I love my job, I want to do and progress in it and move onto different fields of it, but as I thought about writing all those years ago and these days — it was my big life goal.
To be able to make magic with it and write books. That is the dream. A 25-year-old dream.
That is why today I was watching “Parenthood” and eating Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough ice-cream (all 400 g of it) and not editing my 10 pieces that are there and ready to become something fantastic if only I took the time to make them all so.
I also went outside to take some pictures for instagram and it was horrible because it’s like Siberia here right now.
Exaggerating a bit, but -10 plus super crazy wind made it really hard for me to do anything outside longer than for 10 minutes. Although somehow I managed to take some more or less decent shots that will, at some point, appear on Instagram. And still the cold weather chased me home back into the arms of “Parenthood” and a cup of tea.
I’ve also been considering making myself a website. Once again. I don’t know how many websites I had created already.
Let’s say a lot. And I didn’t like any of my work. I was thinking about a professional doing that, but if I’m honest with myself, I don’t want to pay couple hundred euros for a website and then ending up not liking it or whatnot.
But I’ve stumbled on this problem already and I’d like to resolve it somehow and also have a website. It’s tricky. Might try wix again, cause I despise wordpress for some reason, not my thing apparently.
Now, what do you want to do with your life? — asked Hendrich the main character in a novel I am currently reading
“That,” I said, nodding in the pianist’s direction. “That is what I want to do.”
And I wished I could play piano. I wished I could.
All those years ago my parents wanted to get me to the music school but it was too expensive and we didn’t have any money for such an extravagant thought that I could actually play piano.
But I danced in different squads, I went to different clubs and I barely ever regretted a thing. But I always wished I could play piano.
If the choice of what I wanted to do with my life stood right in front of me right now and I could choose anything in the world — I would be a pianist and a writer and I would work part-time at the bar or some cute little hotel in Paris.
Basically, I am doing what I want with my life. I chose this. Nobody else chose it for me. Of course, back then when this choice was made I was compromised. I wanted to move close to Switzerland so me and my boyfriend could be close to each other. But since then so much has changed. It isn’t about anyone anymore. Only me. My path. My life. My destiny and my desire to do this.
For some weird reason.
But I still dream of being a writer and a pianist ♥
And I might even dare to fall in love someday again. And that would be the last one.
“And I feel a brief but intense surge of desire. I haven’t truly lusted after another human being for centuries, but when I look at Camille, when I hear her kind, strong voice, when I see the delicate creases around her eyes, when I feel the skin of her hand against the skin of mine, when I look at her mouth, my mind switches to what it would be like with her, to lose my way with her, to whisper longings into her ear, to devour and be devoured. To wake up in the same bed and talk and laugh and be in comfortable silence with her. To give her breakfast. Toast. Blackcurrant jam. Pink grapefruit juice. Maybe some watermelon. Sliced. On a plate. She would smile, and I see it in my mind, thes smile, and I would dare to feel happy with another human being.
This is what playing the piano does.
This is the danger of it.
It makes you human.” — Matt Haig, How to Stop Time
***
I’ll be back tomorrow and thank you for tuning in ♥
Previously on DailyMe’s:
1–2–3–4–5–6–7–8–9–10–11–12–13–14–15–16–17–18–19–20–21–22–23–24–25–26–27–28–29–30–31–32–33–34–35–36–37–38–39–40–41–42–43–44–45–46–47–48–49–50–51–52–53–54–55–56–57–58–59–60–61–62–63–64–65–66–67–68–69–70–71–72–73–74–75–76–77–78–79–80–81–82–83–84–85–86–87–88–89–90–91–92–93–94–95–96–97–98–99–100–101–102–103–104–105–106–107
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